An Old Pain
by AlluringSappho
Summary: Emily finally quits her job after a bad case, what does JJ have to say about that? TW for talk of abortion.
Disclaimer: I do not nor ever have (and probably never will) owned Criminal Minds, all rights go to owners I am simply borrowing a character.

'Something else is hurting you- that's why you need pot or whiskey or whips or rubber suits or screaming music turned up so fucking loud you can't think' –Charles Bukowski

We had just finished another horrifying case; a middle aged man was kidnaping, raping, and murdering young boys. Most of them were about Henry's age. I could only imagine how JJ felt during that case, how she feels now at home with her own child. I was sitting in my living room nursing a glass of Jack Daniels Whiskey with the half empty bottle sitting next to me. My child would have been the same age, 5, but I miscarried… I messed up… I lost 2 children so far and all I can do is blame myself. I can't take the silence so I grab my iPhone and put in my headphones blaring Jason Walker. My mind wonder back to the day JJ told us she was pregnant. I had just lost my baby.  
*FLASHBACK*  
"Will," JJ said as soon as Reid pointed him out  
"Hey, I took a shot and flew out to DC, but it didn't work out. Got a train to New York, it was only a few more hours." He stated in his slow southern drawl.  
"Hello detective." Hotch held out his hand.  
"I'm sorry for showing up like this. I know you are working" He said shaking Hotch's hand turning to JJ "but, umm, I can't stand you being on this case and me not here and what's going on." I watch JJ shake her head at him.  
"Is there a problem?" Hotch asked. Will looked down, and JJ made a noise before turning and facing us.  
"I-I-I'm pregnant." She smiled, Reid looked shock and I, I was heartbroken. Here she is pregnant and I just lost my second child, but I smiled and congratulated her. Like a good friend would.  
"I've asked JJ to marry me." The slow southern detective said  
"Will." JJ warned  
"We're working out some kinks." He replied  
"Well, we'll give you both some privacy." Hotch said, he walked away and JJ followed him. Once they finished we congratulated the couple once more and before leaving them and getting in the elevator. I wrapped my arms around my stomach and the fake smile still pasted on my face. I had just lost my baby, again. As soon as I got to my room I broke down.  
*FLASHBACK OVER*  
A lone tear rolled down my face. I had lost every child I ever wanted. I poured myself another glass, needing to feel the burn of the whiskey. I shook my head and stood up from my couch. I walked over to my window, the big one with a view of the capital. I started out the window for a bit, drinking my whiskey. When i felt a hand on my arm. I grabbed my glock off my waist ready to shoot. I sighed taking my headphones out.

"JJ, you scared the shit out of me."

"I'm sorry, I just wanted to check on you. It seemed like that last case was getting to you." She commented

"I'm fine, JJ." I lied "Shouldn't you be home with Henry right now?" I asked. She quoted down, my music being the only thing that filled the room. _"The stars are black again tonight/ Just another restless case/ Of hope clearly out of sight/ Of never leaving this dark place/ I've done the best that I can do/ There's not much left to hold on to/ While the ground beneath my feet is caving in/...Life is throwing all it has/ All at once again/ Just trying hard to hide the pain away/ Hoping for the very best/ To show up in the end/ Before the thread I'm hanging from Decides to break/ It's gonna break/ Break/ It's gonna break"_ Fuck.

"Emily, are you sure you're okay? JJ asked once more, slowly approaching me.

"I'm fine, JJ, I swear." I told her

"Emily, are you sure? You've been nursing that glass for a bot and that bottle is more than a ¾ empty." She stop. I wasn't okay, I wanted my children. I should have a child about Henry's age, running around and another around 18. But I don't. What I wouldn't give to spend a day with either of my children.

"Why aren't you with Henry?" I ask again suddenly overwhelmed. She looked at me like I was crazy.

"It's Will's weekend to have him, why do you keep asking?" I look down, not wanting her to see the emotion in my eyes. I turned around to look out the window again.

"I think you should go." I whispered over my shoulder

"Emily, why are you doing this?" She asked, emotion written all over her voice

"You should leave, Jennifer." I said, leaving no room for argument

"Why, Emily? Why should I leave?" She asked "Why are you so afraid to let someone see behind your walls?" She argued. I couldn't deal with it, I knew she would be the one that could break past my walls and I couldn't deal with that.

"Leave!" I yelled, tears filling my eyes. I needed her to leave. I needed to be along to mourn my children.

"Answer me!" She demanded

"You wanted to know why?" I whipped around, still trying to hold back tears "I'll tell you why I would give anything to spend time with my children, but I can't!" My voice cracked in pain "You can, so why are you here! You have a child all your own, and you could be spending time with him." I needed her to leave. She was better off without me, she needed to be with Henry.

"Emily, you were 15, your mother would of never let you come home. You did what you had to." She was slowly getting closer again, and I couldn't do it. She could see right through me.

"JJ, please, it was my fault. I would give anything to spend one day with my children but I can. You, however, can, so go to Henry." My voice losing all it's bite tears, my finally started falling , slowly she moved her hand to whip them away.

"You said Children, Emily. Why?" I knew I had to tell her. Something in me just knew. So I took her hand and lead us to the couch to sit down.

"JJ, I got pregnant once after my abortion, expect I miscarried, 3 months in. The loss was attributed to the scarring in my uterus due to my abortion." I told her, tears streaming down my face. She gently reached up and cupped my face.

"How long ago?" She asked, I shook my at her. "Emily, this isn't why you are leaving, is it?"

"No, it isn't." I muttered

"Then how long?" JJ asked once more I looked at her before whispering

"6 years" I could see her cringing

"Before or after I announced my pregnancy?"

"2 days before" I cried

"Oh god, Emily, I am so sorry. It must of felt like I was throwing it back in your face." JJ panicked

"JJ" She looked at me "It's fine, you guys didn't know."

"Oh, okay…" JJ said quietly "Just one more thing?"

"Yes?"

"But first you have to promise to answer with the truth, and not stone wall me."

"Jay…"

"No, Emily, promise."

"Fine, I promise."

"Why are you leaving?" I got up once more and walked towards the door

"JJ, if you respect me enough, you won't make me answer that." I said calmly

"Answer me, please." She pouted

"One of the main reasons is cases like this." I told her, hoping she would leave it be

"Other reasons?" She asked walking towards me

"JJ, don't"

"Other reasons?" My back was against the wall

"Jennifer" I warned

"Other reasons." She demanded, I pushed off the wall crashing my mouth onto hers.

"You." She grabbed my neck pulling our lips closers, we only broke apart when we ran out of air. With our heads still pressed together JJ said "What took you so long?" I laughed softly at the question

"JJ, we should take about this." I suggested

"Not tonight," She told me "let me hold you tonight and remind you that not everything that has happened to you has been bad." We moved to the couch and i let her hold me for a long time in silence just soaking each other in.

"You are still leaving aren't you?" She asked, I nodded

"As much as I love my job, I think it's time I settle down." I pushed some of the blonde hair out of her face. "That's why I wanted to talk to you, about this, about us. You're a beautiful young woman with a remarkable son, you can go places. You still have your whole life in front of you." I sat up some "I just want to settle down. Make roots, maybe adopt a child or two. I can't ask you to give your life up for that." She pulled me back down into her chest

"Emily, what if I told you, you were it for me?" She asked rhetorically "That the idea of having a house and a family with you gives me butterflies. Emily, as far as I'm concerned you are it for me." She took my chin at this point and made sure I was looking her in the eye. "I want nothing more than to be the one that holds you at night when you can't sleep. I want to know all you secrets, all your soul. I want to know the real Emily Prentiss, not the one that hides behind wall. Emily, I promise you that I am not giving anything up that I wasn't already willing to." She wiped the tears off my face as I snuggled into her,

"I love you, Jennifer." I stated

"I know, and I love you too, Emily." She pulled me impossibly closer. Maybe this time everything will be alright.


End file.
